He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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