I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
