there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
