im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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