if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
