I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
