Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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