I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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