And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
