Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
