your thong is hanging out like whoa
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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