call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
