end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
