Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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