Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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