He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize