I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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