The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
