I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
