Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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