My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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