those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
