I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
