i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
