I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize