I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
