I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
