I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize