Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
