I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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