you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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