I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
