My liver just broke up with me...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
