Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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