i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
