I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
