How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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