my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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