Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize