I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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