I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
