my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
