david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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