I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
