I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
