we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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