Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
