I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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