i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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