we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just sent this text using only my big toe
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
