my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And then my night got REAL pukey
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize