I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ketchup is God's man juice
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
