If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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