remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize