shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize