I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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