im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
